A mixed bag of emotions

I’m all excited. Gemma’s on the road home (with her auld dad for company) after a 3 month stint working down south. I’m just so looking forward to having her back – even though it’ll only be for a week or so before she heads back up to Uni. To keep me occupied tonight, I’ve been writing up some of my notes and mulling over some of the things we learned on the course today, which included a bit of work on attachment theory. Quite a coincidence really, considering I’m full of mixed emotions at the moment which are all mostly related to attachment in some way, shape or form!

First, I’m just so happy that Gemma’s coming home. She’s had a productive and useful summer, gaining lots of valuable work and life experience and I’m extremely proud of her for doing so well. I wouldn’t have it any other way, as far as Gemma’s ‘get-up-and-go’ is concerned, in fact,  I wouldn’t dream of trying to stop any of my kids from venturing out into the big world, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel sad when they do make that break away. I’d find it hard to forgive myself if any of my kids felt they couldn’t get on with doing what they wanted to do with their adult lives for fear of my reaction or impositions. So, Gemma knows that I miss her when she’s away from home – but she also knows I’m happy for her to be away – and, getting back to the course, I like to think that our attachment bond is such that Gemma always knows she has a safe, unconditionally loving home to come back to at any time!

Second, I’m just so sad, but excited too, that Ross’s Fresher’s Week is only a week and a bit away. I’m happy that Ross is going off on the next stage of his journey – but I’m sad because I’m going to miss him so much. He’s only moving to Glasgow, but just because he’s not moving far doesn’t make the fact that he’s moving away from home any easier to contemplate! Me and Alex’ll really miss him. But, Ross knows that we’re proud, happy and excited for him too - and I like to think that our attachment bond is such that Ross will always know he has a safe and unconditionally loving home to come back to at any time! Even if it is just to bring his washing...!

Thirdly, I’m just so sad that an older member of our family has chosen to detach themselves from the rest of us. We did a wee exercise today that involved drawing Genograms; which are sort of stylised family trees where symbols are used to represent such things as relationships, gender and status. It was such a painful thing, even after all these years, for me to put a cross in the square that represented my Dad. Anyway, the other thing that I found really difficult was trying to decide how to symbolise a relative who’s chosen not to be part of the family anymore. It really made me stop and think about how sad it all really makes me feel. It feels like bereavement, but nobody’s died. It’s really not a nice feeling – and it’s especially difficult for my mum. However, I like to think that the attachment bond that Mum has to the rest of her family makes her feel safe, loved and secure in the knowledge that she’ll always have the rest of us to look out for and look out for her!

Lastly, I’m just so grateful that I live with someone who lets me share all these mixed emotions and - even if we don’t always feel the same way about things, or don’t always fully understand exactly how the other’s feeling - allows me the space and time to just go with however I’m feeling at the time. Some bloke called Khalil Gibran once said that, joy and sorrow “are inseparable. Together they come and when one sits, alone with you ... remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.” I like to think that the attachment bond I have to Alex is such that I’ll always have a safe and unconditionally loving place to let “joy” or “sorrow” – or guilt, or anger, or excitement, or whatever other emotion – come and sit with me without making me feeling rushed into pushing those feelings aside again (well, at least until it’s deemed time to get a grip..!)

Hm, that was all a bit of a ramble to get to the point of basically saying I have a lot of mixed emotions going on at the moment but tonight, excitement and anticipation have definitely left all the others tucked up in bed!