Gemma showing me the way

Once I get an idea into my head I usually really enjoy the process of pulling it out and turning it into some sort of reality, even if the reality ends up not bearing any resemblance whatsoever to the original idea! I usually find that the journey is just as - if not more - rewarding and enjoyable than the final destination. I don't usually fret too much over the decision to take the plunge and push on with putting my thoughts into action. And I usually manage not to worry too much about failing or falling flat on my face or making a fool of myself because I know that I'll learn something (and usually have some fun) in the process. That doesn't mean that I don't often get nervous or agonise about how things will turn out, but my nerves or anxiety are usually kept in check with the knowledge that I'll feel worse if I sit and do nothing than I will if I get off my backside and do something - even if there's a chance that that something might go horribly wrong! 

So, I don't have a clue why I've been so irrationally worried about putting my latest wee plan into action!

Gemma and I are taking part in the Women V Cancer 100km Night Cycle in London in May and I want to do something a bit different to help me meet (and exceed) the fundraising target. The idea I've come up with is to create a wee collection of poems, which all relate to either cycling or cancer, along with a few short articles (sort of 'what every woman should know' pieces on breast, ovarian and cervical cancer) and publish them in a book (or, most likely, a booklet) that will hopefully be entertaining and informative in equal measure. I've made a start on the poems and I've enlisted Gemma's help with illustrations and the technical/printing side of things! I've contacted the three charities that the event is supporting and they've all given me the thumbs up to it being a good idea. And, I'll be doing some of the things I love (cycling and writing) with the support of someone I love (Gemma). Surely it's a win win situation?! 

There is no reason whatsoever not to be cracking on with it and turning my idea into a reality. It might be hard work and it might be a bit of a challenge and I might not come up with great poems and I know nothing about publishing and I might not sell very many and everyone might think it's rubbish - but I'm bound to learn a lot and have a really good experience trying! But, until this morning, I just couldn't see it like that. Not like that at all. 

I was having palpitations every time I thought about doing this thing. I felt as if there was a battle going on inside my head between, in the blue corner, the part of me that's frightened that I'm going to make an ass of myself, that some folk will think it's a naff idea, that the poems will be rubbish, that nobody will buy the booklet, that I don't raise much money, that some folk might sneer and wonder who I think I am for even thinking about doing such a thing never mind carrying it through......against, in the red corner, the part of me (the more familiar part of me) that's excited about having a new wee project to get my teeth into, that's passionate about trying to raise money for three extremely important and worthwhile causes, that isn't worried about failing because I know that failing is so very much better than not trying at all, that loves to write so knows that I'll enjoy doing this no matter what the outcome, that doesn't let herself get bogged down by or concerned about people sneering or sniggering at her as what other people think of her isn't the yardstick that she measures her life by, that understands how small this wee project is in the whole scheme of things and that knows how much she values the opportunity to do anything alongside her daughter!

This morning the blue corner was definitely winning the fight and I didn't really understand why. I wondered if it was because I'm about to launch myself into something that involves me putting my writing out there for sale for the very first time? Until now I've written for myself, for fun or for friends or for family. I've never asked anyone to pay for anything I've written. And, even though the profits are going straight to the charities and not into my pocket, I think I find that kind of scary! I don't think I'm worried about people reading the poems and not liking them - I totally appreciate that they'll not be to everyone's liking - so I think it's more about me worrying that folk will think the whole thing's a naff idea in the first place. It just doesn't seem to make sense. I shouldn't be worrying about that! Who cares if folk think it's naff??!! 

I, irrationally, did.

But, that was earlier. That was before I read Gemma's latest blog post. It wasn't aimed at me, but it struck such a big chord and simply couldn't have come at a better time. Included in the post is a link to the recent TED talk given by Diana Nyad - the 60 something year old woman who was the first person ever to swim the 100 miles across the Gulf Stream from Cuba to the States - and it was just the kick up the backside I was needing. During the talk Nyad says:

"Just you go ahead and sit back in your comfortable chair and you be the critic, you be the observer, while the brave one gets in the ring and gets bloody and gets dirty and fails over and over and over again...and lives life in a bold way...none of us get through this life without heartache and turmoil...and if you can get knocked down and get back up again...you find your way."

And, as if that wasn't enough to well and truly knock the blue corner out, Gemma finished her post by saying

" 'to live is to do' and instead of finding reason to back up the idea of stopping, you just have to 'find a way' to do that thing that you really want to do".

I really want to do this wee booklet. And, with the red corner well and truly back on top, I'm off to find a way. And I'm so very lucky to have Gemma holding my towel!