A dedication to the wee boy who made it all happen

I wouldn’t be familiar with the World of Difference Scheme, let alone be working on a placement funded by them, if it wasn’t for Linda. We met just over a year ago, when we started Module One of the COSCA Counselling Certificate together. Round about the same time, Linda was announced as one of the WoD winners, with her chosen charity being The Scottish Cot Death Trust. Linda chose The SCDT as she’d experienced, first hand, just how vitally important the support that this small organisation offers is. In Linda’s own words, from one of her own early blog posts on this site:

“my son died suddenly and unexpectedly aged two, no illness no warning, one day he was running around softplay, painting with his brother and friends the next day he had died. It IS every parent’s worst nightmare and it is one I have been living with for the last two years. But I guess my point is that the reason I am here is that I am inspired by my son’s strength of character, lust for life and the imprint he made on so many people (some who knew him, some who didn’t) in just two tiny years that it has made me take life by the horns and aim to do something meaningful… Gregor is without doubt my inspiration for being here today and wanting and needing to ‘make a difference’”

Today would’ve been Gregor’s 5th birthday. I, unfortunately, never had the pleasure of meeting him – but I do feel as if I know him as the essence of Gregor is kept very much alive by Linda, her husband and her other son Ben (whom I adore!). And what better example of that is this; Linda and Ben baked a cake for Gregor’s birthday! Isn’t it awesome:

So, I just want to take this opportunity to say a special Happy Birthday to Gregor. A great wee lad who inspired his mum to do something positive for other people, and whose mum, in turn, inspired me to have a go too. Our chosen charities are pretty different, but our objectives are pretty much the same – to do something meaningful and, of course, to make a difference.

Accepting a donation

Instead of delivering Christmas cards to friends and neighbours in my wee village, I give a donation to charity. I started doing this in 2004 and was delighted when some of my friends joined in with me; together we raised the grand sum of £80. The following year, I decided to deliver a wee letter to every house in our village (around 350 or so) inviting all the residents to join in. I explained the idea, stated which charity I would be collecting for and promised that, on Christmas Eve, I would make up a ‘Village Christmas Card’ – which was basically a big poster – that would be pinned up on the notice board in our village square. The poster would wish everyone in our village a very merry Christmas from everyone that had donated to my collection. It would detail how much had been raised, and it would list everyone’s name who had handed in a donation. A sort of Communal Christmas Card! Enough people joined in to make it worth continuing with, so I’ve carried on every year since.

In 2005 we raised just over £500, in 2006 we raised just under £900 and every other year we’ve raised over £1000. Back in the beginning, the money was given to our village’s Elderly Welfare Committee but, in most recent years, I’ve passed the donation on to CHAS (the Children’s Hospice Association of Scotland).

Linda and Gregor

This year, I’ve decided to donate the money to a different charity again - The Scottish Cot Death Trust. I’ve recently become familiar with the incredible job this organisation does in supporting bereaved families, raising awareness and funding vital research through my very good friend Linda. Linda’s little boy, Gregor, died when he was just two years old and, although it was later found that Gregor had an overwhelming virus, his death was initially labelled as ‘Unexpected Death in Infancy’. He went off for an afternoon nap after being out to play one Sunday morning, and never woke up. I’m aware of how little financial support the trust receives from the Scottish government (only 3%), with the bulk of its funding coming directly from Joe Public. I’m also aware that only a tiny number of people are employed by this charity (4 full time and one part time) and that they’re based in a little office in Yorkhill Hospital. I’ve also learned that it’s the only charity in the whole of Scotland that’s dedicated to supporting families who’ve been bereaved through the sudden death of their infant by cot death and SUDI; raising funds for research into the causes of cot death and Sudden Unexpected Death in Infancy; raising public awareness of possible preventative measures; and educating the medical profession, police, the Procurator Fiscal’s office and all the other professionals who might be involved in dealing with the sensitive issues that occur following the sudden death of a baby or child.

So, after notifying the village residents that I’m doing the collection again and telling them which charity I’ve chosen this time around, envelopes containing varying amounts of cash or cheques have been tumbling through my letter box during the course of these past few weeks. I always ask folk to include a note of their names, so that they can be listed on the ‘Village Christmas Card’, and I’m always touched by the lovely messages that some of my fellow villagers write on their notes. This year I’ve had things like; “Thanks for doing this again Jane for another worthwhile cause”, “Another worthwhile charity, keep up the good work!”, and “Hope you and your family have a lovely Christmas!”. However, I was a wee bit taken aback – and a little upset – by the note written on the front of one of the envelopes that was delivered the other day. The envelope contained a cheque, made out to the Scottish Cot Death Trust, but on the front of the envelope was written, “I would prefer CHAS or the Hospice as the charity.” Just like that, nothing else.

My initial reaction was to take the cheque back to the person and tell them I’d rather they sent the money to their own chosen charity, than begrudgingly donate to the one I’d chosen. Then, I wondered if I should phone the person and explain that there isn’t a committee that sits in a smoky room spending hours discussing which charity best merits the village’s hard-earned cash and arguing over the best way to organise the collection – that it’s just li’l ol’ me. I contemplated sending him an email, explaining that we’ve raised well over £6000 for CHAS in recent years and that, in my opinion, there isn’t a sliding scale of which worthwhile cause deserves our donation most; that many, many charities do fantastic jobs and that people will always have their favourites often depending on whether or not they, their family or their friends, have benefited from the support given by one particular organisation. I thought about whether I should write a letter to the person, explaining how horrendous it is for families, like Linda’s, who lay their happy - and apparently healthy - little boy or girl down in their cots , kiss their foreheads and leave them to sleep soundly - only to return a short while later and find them dead. I thought about explaining, in a letter, that this scenario is more common than most folk think and that I think that the organisation - which is trying to help the families, authorities and scientists with everything related to sudden infant death - is one that I’m proud to support. I even considered climbing up on my high horse, knocking on this person’s door, and telling them face-to-face that I’ve personally supported CHAS, ‘the hospice’ (by which I think they mean Strathcarron) and various other charities for many years in many different ways. I don’t categorise one as more important than the other, and I have different personal reasons for supporting each of them. I can’t afford to give money to loads of charities, so I try to help in other ways, like handing bags into the British Heart Foundation shop, or volunteering for SAMS and Strathcarron for a few hours a week, or performing in fund-raising concerts for various different organisations or simply by talking and writing about issues to help raise awareness. I also thought about clarifying to this person that I totally respect everyone’s right to choose whether to join in with my wee Christmas card idea or not; some residents choose not to because they still like to hand out their own cards, some don’t want to donate to my chosen charity and some, as a matter of principle, don’t donate to any charities at all. I respect each and every one of those personal choices. What upset me a little bit was the fact that this person had decided to make a donation and have their name included on the ‘Village Christmas Card’ but had done it with a bit of a ‘Humph’ attached. And that’s why, initially, I wanted to tell this person to take their cheque and stick it where the sun no longer shines!

Anyway, after careful consideration, I decided against doing any of the above! I decided that I’d be cutting off my nose to spite my face. And I appreciated the fact that this person had parted with some of their money, whether begrudgingly or not. And I decided that I’d rather see the money being added to the pot, than handed back. And, finally, I decided that it would be far better to keep my thoughts on the matter firmly to myself......well, sort of.......!

Being lucky

Another busy week’s nearly over and, in the light of something that I was reminded of on Thursday, it wasn’t down to good luck that I had a good week; it was more likely because I’d been willing to explore new opportunities!

My pal Linda had asked me if I fancied going along to a Psychology Conference in Edinburgh. I didn’t have much time to look at the gumph but I said I’d go as (a) I’d noticed that one of the speakers had written one of my Open Uni text books (b) because I thought it would look good on my CV and (c) because even if the conference was rubbish, I knew I’d enjoy spending a day away with Linda! The idea that I might be inspired and thoroughly entertained had never even crossed my mind - but I was...and I had a blast with Linda into the bargain.

The premise of the conference was to enthuse and encourage folk not only to study psychology, but also to emphasise the importance of weeding out the ‘bad science’ approach. In other words, encouraging the psychologists of the future to properly test their theories and produce sound evidence to back up their conclusions. It was aimed primarily at A level students, so Linda and I fitted in perfectly well as we could easily have been one of the accompanying teachers...! We watched and listened to various presentations by some fairly eminent psychologists, all of which I thoroughly enjoyed, however my favourite - by far - was by Professor Richard Wiseman. Do you know the guy I mean? I’d heard of him, but couldn’t quite place him, then, when he started his first wee spiel, I thought I recognised him from the telly. Well, it turns out that he’s pretty well-known. He’s got a massive following on Twitter, Youtube and that kind of thing – but I think I recognised him from his time on ‘Tomorrow’s World’! (I know, I’m really showing my age here!)

Anyway, he’s really entertaining in the way that he presents his work – probably because he’s a magician and illusionist as well as a Professor of psychology. Some of Derren Brown’s latest batch of telly programmes, ‘The Experiments’ were actually based on Richard Wiseman’s research. It kind of bugs me that more emphasis isn’t placed on the fact that Brown’s ‘ambitious sociological experiments’ (his own words) are all based on hypotheses that have already been devised, tried, tested and proven in controlled experiments by qualified psychologists, before he decides to turn them into prime time glossy entertainment shows. But, I noticed that Professor Wiseman was an advisor to the production team, so I guess he must be OK with the way the programmes were presented – and I suppose they do introduce the ideas behind the research to a much wider audience.

Back to the conference; one of the presentations that Richard Wiseman gave on Thursday revolved around his experiments on ‘luck’. He’s scientifically shown that there’s not really such a thing as ‘good or bad luck’. The people who call themselves lucky are much more likely to be the kind of folk that’ll grab opportunities as they arise; they’ll go for it, try new things, take chances, have a wider view of what’s going on round about them (so are more likely to see opportunities that present themselves) and will have more of a ‘cup-half-full’ approach to life. There obviously has to be some element of chance involved, but he showed that you can significantly increase those chances if you have a more positive state of mind, be more sociable, live in the moment and grab any opportunities you do encounter. I just thought it was brilliant to witness someone getting across to a young, impressionable audience - in not only an engaging and entertaining way but also backed up with hard evidence - the merits of not sitting on your ass waiting for good things to happen to you, or doing the opposite and being too focussed on one long-term goal.

I definitely got my attitude of ‘try to make the most of what’s going on around about you at the moment, and the future is more likely to be brighter’ from my Dad. Which is a bit ironic as I was ‘unlucky’ enough have my Dad snatched away from me by a heart attack when he was only 57 years old. But, one of the things that’s always given me a bit of comfort is the knowledge that my Dad made the most, and looked on the bright side, of most of his days. Even the shitty ones. He always tried to look for the positive slant on things; he was usually cheery and he taught me that life’s very much what you make it. If you’re not happy with the way things are in your life, try to change them. Now, I know that’s a bit simplistic and idealistic, and there can be a whole stack of reasons why it’s not easy to do that. I’m certainly not brimming with happiness every moment of every day, and sometimes it’s really difficult to see the silver lining. But, it’s something I aspire to do – and it’s something I’m delighted that my kids seem to have grasped. I love that they all try to make the most of what’s going on at the moment. They don’t let the long-term goal get in the way of enjoying the present day (at least they try not to). It’s like that common ‘pushy parent’ thing. If you keep harping on at your kids that they have to be the best in school, or in their sport, or in their dance class or whatever, they might well accomplish all of those things; but they’ll probably have a pretty miserable journey on the way - and will probably still be miserable once they’ve reached those goals. On the other hand, if they’re leading well-rounded lives, being sociable, being praised for making an effort and finding new things that make them feel good, they’re possibly more likely to succeed – maybe not in the thing that their parents wanted them to, but they’ll hopefully continue to be generally happy.

Oh dear, this post has turned into a bit of a dis-jointed ramble, but I actually find it quite difficult to put it all into words! I think I’m basically saying that Richard Wiseman’s presentation was brilliant because he stood in front of me and expressed what goes on in my head when I think of my ideal way of approaching life. Try to make the best of it – it can be really crap sometimes, through ill-health, losing someone we love, losing a job, running out of money, ocht, a whole multitude of things – but, if we can somehow manage not to give up, and be open to any new opportunities that might come along, all the shitty things might just be a wee bit easier to deal with – we’ll hopefully experience a change in our luck! It won’t work for everyone, or every situation, but it’s the way I like to try to be. There are times that I do find it hard to see the sunshine through the rain, and at those times good family and friends (or anyone else that can lend an empathic ear!) can be invaluable. But, just as Richard Wiseman has proved beyond doubt, optimism plays a vital role in turning things around and most of us do have the ability to change our mindset. If you go looking for a change in luck, you’re much more likely to find it.

Anyway, where’s that lottery ticket I was filling in earlier......